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Constructive Criticism Please :)

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Heph's picture
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Joined: Aug 2006
Constructive Criticism Please :)

My teacher gave us a take-home essay a while back and I got an 89 :eek: ... I'd like to do better. I'd appreciate it if I could get some feedback or pointers on how I could improve this essay so I can do better on the next one I do. :)

Prompt:
Compare and Contrast the views and actions of Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton while they were members of President Washington’s cabinet.

Although Jefferson and Hamilton were both members of Washington’s cabinet in the United States from 1789 to 1795 and agreed upon the documentation of the Bill of Rights, they had conflicting views on the kind of government they wanted to be governed by and ways to financially stabilize their government.

An indefinite amount of Hamilton and Jefferson’s political debates were due to their disparate perspectives of the Constitution. Hamilton believed that the Constitution was meant to grow and bend to the expanding country, and be interpreted loosely. However, Jefferson took a different standpoint. He believed that the Constitution means exactly what it says, and it should not be bent to the government’s wishes to accommodate for anything they want – it would lead to an overbearing government, taking away from state power and rights’, thus a strict interpretation. For example, Hamilton and Jefferson’s support on the French Revolution, Hamilton believed the French were rebelling for no apparent reason and should side with Britain. Jefferson, on the other hand, regarded the “rebelling” with indifference and believed that the United States should remain neutral; they could not afford to have a back-to-back war financially.

After the American Revolution, the United States was in severe financial debt. Hamilton suggested the Bank of the United States to assist in the ridding of the United States’ large debt and create a stronger central government. Believing it to be unconstitutional and taking power away from the states, Jefferson opposed the idea of a national bank. Hamilton believed the United States should pay back their debt slowly and develop credit with other nations, securing foreign alliances, despite Jefferson’s plan of paying the debt back all at once, and having no debt at all. Washington, having to decide upon a plan that would be best for the country as a whole, chose to build a Bank of the United States. Hamilton then devised a plan that involved creating tariffs such as the Whiskey Tariff and the Protective Tariff to help generate a foundation to begin clearing the American debt. Jefferson, as expected, was against tariffs altogether, and firmly believed that they should not be used because it created a more established central government.

Through all the differences and arguments, however, Hamilton and Jefferson were able to come to a few compromises. As the Federalist had guaranteed the Anti-Federalists, they wrote and established the Bill of Rights in 1791, properly protecting natural rights’ of men, and settling some of the Anti-Federalist worries of a tyrannical centralized government. Most of the differences between the rich and poor, or rather the Federalists and Anti-Federalists, had dwindled away and were almost equivalent in social stature. Even though Jefferson and Hamilton had opposing viewpoints on how the United States should be governed, in the end, they had come to a compromise through all the disagreements; they created a central government, “of the people, by the people, for the people.”

I know I don't have a conclusion ... I ran out of space on the 1 sided piece of paper she gave us ... and I know it's not exactly in an "organized" pattern as my teacher puts it. >.< I didn't really realize that until after I turned it in and was thinking about it. :o Anyway, please feel free to rip it up and spit it back out at me, I'm used to it by now. :p

Thank you,
~Heph

Ravens's picture
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Joined: Oct 2006

Alrighty... from reading it through once, I have some suggestions.

Your introduction was lacking. It seemed as though your first "paragraph" was just your thesis statement. You need to make more of an attempt to establish the "scene" and time period in which the question refers to. You can do this by starting your essay out very general. This can be done by making a general statement about the time period in which Jefferson and Hamilton were in the cabinet or even commenting on the post-American Revolution scene. You could then go on and give a brief background information on the whole strict constructionist vs. loose constructionist views of the Constiution. Then you could narrow it down by saying Jefferson and Hamilton were the spearheads of these two political views and eventually lead into your thesis. There are many ways to do it, but the introduction paragraph is extremely important and simply stating your thesis alone won't cut it.

Another quick point is that your organization could be much better. Based upon your thesis statement, one would assume that you would continue to talk about "the kind of government they wanted to be governed by and ways to financially stabilize their government", but this is unclear in your body paragraphs. MAKE SURE YOUR TOPIC SENTENCES ARE CONCISE AND EASILY UNDERSTOOD. Topic sentences are like mini-thesis statements. You need to spend an appropriate amount of time on them. For example, your third paragraph starts out with the sentence, "After the American Revolution, the United States was in severe financial debt." The point of this paragraph was to show how Hamilton and Jefferson differed in their views on how to deal with the national debt, but the topic sentence does not accurately reflect this. You could have said something like, "After the American Revolution, Hamilton and Jefferson disagreed on the handling of the national debt." Obviously this sentence can be a bit polished, but you get the point. Also... this may be because you couldn't think of anything else, but try to substantiate your points with at least 3 different examples or points from history.

It's good that you recognized the existence of conflicting evidence, but an entire paragraph is usually not necessary and may take away from your arguments. This is especially true when you had only two pargraphs substantiating your thesis. In my opinion, I would have dealt with the conflicting evidence such as their agreement on the bill of rights, etc. in the introduction. One or two sentences should do the trick. In my opinion, my thesis would have been something that would have allowed me to talk about the differences in views of Hamilton and Jefferson on a political, economic and maybe ideological level.

Just some suggestions.

xenahorse's picture
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Ravens wrote: It seemed as though your first "paragraph" was just your thesis statement. You need to make more of an attempt to establish the "scene" and time period in which the question refers to.
Just a quick note on my part (I really should be studying for Physics right now), but I think that an intracite paragraph would be unnessicary. I have been repeatialy told by former students and AP teachers that for APUSH and other history essays, you DO NOT need a very complicated intro paragraph. The same is true for for the conclusion. Sticking to the thesis statement and maybe an introductory sentance will suffice; and this is history, not english. Even in english essays, during the AP test they will be more focused on the content and subjects touched on in the essay.

I'm not meaning to bash you Raven- but I thought you both might want to know this. And I'm pretty sure it can't hurt you- I still managed to get a 5 on the AP test, and I didn't have a very long intro!


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Ravens's picture
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Joined: Oct 2006

I still feel that the introduction is one of the most important paragraphs. I was always taught to focus on the introduction, the thesis, and the topic sentences. This makes sense though... the introduction is the first paragraph that your grader will read and thus a great first impression could make up for any weaker parts in body of the essay. It's better to have the reader begin on a good note and try and find a flaw in your essay then begin on a horrible note and try and find something good in your essay. The graders are reading a LOT of these essays... and that good first impression may make the difference.

However, I recognize that there are many ways to accomplish the same thing, but it's a fact that if your intro is just your thesis... your body paragraph following it better be strong.

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